


Positive Associations

by wargoddess



Series: Lazarus Effect [5]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Frottage, M/M, Sad, psychosexual bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 22:44:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12198888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wargoddess/pseuds/wargoddess
Summary: 2186 was a terrible year to be born. Kaidan helps the clone celebrate his first birthday.





	Positive Associations

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read the other works in this series, basically: Shepard's clone lives, falls in love with Kaidan, starts a new life as a non-asshole, and becomes a Spectre, in that order. The two of them plus a crew of competent misfits fly around in an experimental ship designed by a drunk salarian. It's all good.

     "It was cold," El has told Kaidan, on the rare occasions when he offers information about his past. "They had me in a... a tank, I guess. Coming out of it, I was wet all over. The lab was cold. I fell on the floor and it was cold too. I was shivering and... I guess I was screaming. They had to talk louder to hear each other, over me. I screamed until my voice ran out. Then finally Brooks told me to get up, and she started teaching me to be Shepard." In this retelling he pauses. "She dried me off and gave me clothes. That was... I thought she was a good person for a long time, because of that."

     The imagery is vivid in Kaidan's mind: John Shepard's body, housing a gentler soul even if Eleazar would never admit this, left to huddle naked and afraid in a puddle of his own amniotic fluid and tears. Rescued, but only by the cruel hand of exploitation. 2186 was a terrible year to be born. A cold year.

     It's 2187 now, and even colder as galactic civilization faces the long dark night of annihilation. Or maybe it's only Kaidan who thinks so? Maybe. Eleazar Shepard, who has known nothing but this war, is stronger now, in addition to being browner and honorably scarred. Nowadays he has resting sociopath face, if one must be honest; between Brooks' training and and the cold of the world that he has perhaps internalized, he is microexpressive. He smiles readily for Kaidan, when they are alone and safe, but no one else.

     Likewise Kaidan alone ever sees the shivers that pass over his lover now and again, when he thinks that no one -- not even Kaidan -- is looking. Cold is the trigger, Kaidan's noticed: cold weather if they're planetside, air conditioning too high if they're on-station or ship. Just the wind of another person's passing can make El tense up. It's not noticeable. Not anything so overt as muscle-lock or visible disassociation or flashbacks. It's just a little shiver. But Kaidan knows those microexpressions. Kaidan knows what it's like to have negative associations. He used to tense up like that around turians, after Vrynnus. Better experiences -- Nihlus and Garrus and a dozen other turian men who haven't tried to hurt him -- solved the problem. Positive associations. But El hasn't been alive long enough for the good of his life to outweigh the bad.

     And when Kaidan sees him shiver, it is in these moments that Kaidan thinks: there is a reason most people lose their memories of being born. A reason it's called _birthing trauma_ in psychology texts. Being born is a terrible, frightening, cruel thing even when it does not occur on a cold laboratory floor, observed by disinterested terrorists, in the middle of an apocalyptic war.

     So on a day that Kaidan has carefully researched and used black-market contacts to verify... he takes Eleazar away from the Citadel. It's just the two of them in the _Memoria_. Kaidan flies the ship -- well, not really; Mach the AI flies the ship, but Kaidan sits in the pilot's chair and tells Mach where to go. El sits in the copilot seat, fully armored and armed, perpetually ready for anything. Kaidan has told him to expect a surprise, and that it's a _good_ surprise... but past experience has taught El that one person's idea of a good surprise is not always the same as his own. He trusts Kaidan -- well. He _wants_ to trust Kaidan. But he is the man he was born to be.

     Kaidan loves El for trying, and privately vows to die before ever reinforcing his fears.

     Finally, though, they drop out of the relay corridor and curve toward a planet. It's small as planets go -- smaller than Earth, though big enough to hold an atmosphere. That's quite a feat, since the planet is in a trinary system; usually planets don't form in systems with two suns, let alone three. It can't maintain a decent magnetosphere in the triple solar wind, and there's a little too much argon in the environment to make it life-bearing, but all things considered, it's not bad. It's great, actually. That's why Kaidan's here.

     He takes the _Memoria_ down, following a pre-set beacon trajectory. The planet is all dramatic cliffs and vistas, mountains a mile high next to chasms a mile deep, and it's beautiful. The argon makes the sky greener than Earth's, and the rocks glimmer in shades of gold. Kaidan watches El carefully, and sees El lean forward in almost inadvertent response to the beauty tracking past below them. Yeah. He likes it. Good.

     They reach their destination. There's nothing below but a temp shelter -- standard Elkoss Combine Frontier series, slightly modified. Custom order. Kaidan sees El frown through the ship's forward view, though he clears the expression as soon as he notices Kaidan looking. (He tries so hard.) Then he puts on his helment for the walk over, and that saves them both from further meaningful looks.

     Inside, the shelter is lovely, its walls festooned with plants tucked into every possible nook and vining over the ceiling. Some are in flower. It's slightly humid inside the shelter, per Kaidan's original settings. And it's warm. Not unpleasantly so; the controls are set for 26 Celsius. Comfortable, though. Kaidan seals the door and starts stripping off his armor, opening up one wall which contains an armor cleaning apparatus for this purpose. "Come on," he says, inviting El to do the same.

     El pulls off his helmet and finally says, "What is this, Kaidan?"

     Kaidan takes the helmet from him and puts it on the cleaner's rack. "Your birthday gift."

     El strips off the rest of his armor, but he's frowning even more now, looking around the shelter as if he thinks its walls might cave in. When he's clad in only his bodysuit, he says, "Why?"

     Kaidan shakes his head. "Because I wanted to give you a birthday gift. Strip."

     El sighs but obeys, and Kaidan undresses as well. They've spent a lot of time naked together over the past few months, but Kaidan will never get over how beautiful El is. Shepard's template, customized and improved: longer, leaner, more elegant. But then El looks away and Kaidan guesses that's because his body has begun to react to Kaidan's nudity. El is never comfortable with his own involuntary reactions, even those which have been conditioned by affirmation: Usually, when Kaidan is naked before him, pleasure follows. Kaidan shakes his head, closes the cleaner so that it can begin its cycle, and then steps forward to take El's hand. He pulls El through the shelter's interior, speaking as he goes.

     "This is just for us," he explains. "I bought the planet. Not the mineral rights; that's above my pay grade. But naming rights and landing rights and property rights to this outcropping, yeah. To anyone who's still got an extranet connection and can check: this is ours. Yours, really, but two can live here. Even got it a little fusion generator for backup, if you ever run out of eezo for the power core. All the plants are edible and cover the full range of necessary human nutrients, except for some amino acids. There's a few decades' worth of supplements in storage that should cover those. There's a drone that handles pollination and all the gardening basics. And because of the solar winds in this system, no one will ever find you here unless they know exactly where to look."

     El is silent for a moment. Then: "If the Reapers win, you mean."

     "Yeah."

     El stops walking, which forces Kaidan to stop as well, amid a corridor festooned with flowering grapevines. He's angry, now. He doesn't show anger much -- he isn't Shepard -- but it's there in the tension of his jaw and the flash of his eyes. " _If we don't fight_ , you mean. We can bunker down here. Hide, like cowards."

     "No." Kaidan smiles. He doesn't feel like smiling. His heart hurts. But he has to, because otherwise this -- the state of the galaxy, the end of everything -- will overwhelm him. "This is for if we lose, but don't die. See..." He has to swallow. Why does this hurt so much? "I tried to think of the worst fate I could, and... and it isn't dying in battle. It isn't being captured and turned into a husk, either. It isn't even getting liquefied and pumped into the veins of an infant Reaper. All of that is just death. Death is easy." He takes a deep breath. "What scares me most is surviving. Being the last man standing, when every battlefield has fallen to the enemy."

     El blinks, and the texture of his frown changes from angry to troubled. This is a fate that frightens him, too. So Kaidan steps closer and reaches up to cup his face, drawing a thumb along that long, elegant jaw. El softens at once. Any touch does this to him. He becomes more human whenever Kaidan's hands are on his skin. Kaidan loves touching him for this and many other reasons.

     "So I wanted to give you something, in case the worst happens," Kaidan says. "In case the worst happens _to you_ , and you're alone at the end."

     Eleazar shudders, the troubled frown at once becoming one of horror. "No," he says. The muscle in his jaw hardens beneath Kaidan's fingers, despite Kaidan's softening touch. "That's not happening."

     Oh, God. This is so hard. Kaidan takes a deep breath. "We don't always get what we want," he says. It's gentle, but El flinches as if Kaidan has slapped him. "I mean, I know neither of us is going to give up, but... stuff happens. So here's what I want for you. Just in case. Come on." He backs up more, pulling El again. El doesn't budge, Shepardish stubbornness on his face. Kaidan resorts to desperation. "Please."

     It's cheating. El has never been able to refuse him. Kaidan usually tries not to abuse this, but... After a moment, El sighs and comes along.

     At the center of the shelter is an open room, festooned with the most mature growths in the facility: woody-stemmed, aromatic rosemary bushes; twisting miniature citrus trees about a meter high; a small papaya tree curving where it touches the ceiling, its crown laden with hard green fruit. Beneath a clear skylight is an odd-looking bed. It has no sheets, just a smooth mattress of rounded white material. Kaidan pushes Eleazar down here, and El makes a soft sound of surprise as he touches it, half-standing back up. Kaidan knows why: the material of the bed is unusually warm to the touch. "Relax," Kaidan says, amused by his silent skittishness. "I just want to lie down with you."

     So El warily lies down, moving to the other side of the big bed to make room for Kaidan. Kaidan climbs in after him, then lies down facing him. "How do you feel?" he asks.

     Eleazar shrugs like he does this all the time, like it's nothing. "Warm. It's softer than I expected."

     Yes. Eleazar never expects softness. He was born on a hard floor beneath cold white light, screaming. Kaidan sets his jaw and shifts closer. "Do you feel alone?"

     El grows inordinately interested in a nearby stand of herbs. "No. I, um. I haven't felt that way since, I guess, you."

     "That's good." Kaidan reaches up to touch his lips, and El focuses on him again sharply. At once he is softer, intent, hungry. Kaidan loves him like this. "I'm going to make love to you now," he says. "It's gonna be the best you've ever had, okay? I'm gonna make you come like a..." He can't think of anything suitable for a long second. "Like a supernova."

     El looks amused -- oh, but he shifts his leg a little. Making room for his dick. "That good, huh?"

     "Better." Kaidan sits up, pushes him onto his back, takes one of his hands and pins it to the mattress, over his head. "You're gonna declare me the best lover you've ever had."

     That earns him a smile, at last, but Eleazar readily submits to Kaidan's manhandling. "You're the only lover I've ever had."

     "Quit it with your logic." Kaidan leans down to kiss him, savoring his lips, waiting for that moment when El goes pliant and still, relaxing completely. He is a man who does not even fully relax in sleep -- but with Kaidan, now that they have learned each other and earned each other, he feels safe. He knows there is no coldness in Kaidan, waiting to wound him. He tastes of trust. Kaidan pulls back a little, only because he's turned on and suddenly needs more breath than a kiss permits. "Happy birthday."

     El's smile fades. One year old, and to him birthdays mean only pain. "Ah," he says. It's light, but Kaidan knows. "So this is my present."

     He thinks he knows what Kaidan is up to. "Not quite," Kaidan says, gently. "But let's get started on it."

     He starts with El's face, where the shadow of a cold floor lingers in lines almost too faint to be discerned. He strokes those lines away. He kisses that broad brow until it unfurrows beneath his lips. He draws fingers down El's throat, and when El inhales a little and tilts his head back, Kaidan moves to kiss just under his ear. There: that's a good shiver. Kaidan smiles and murmurs in his ear. "What do you feel?"

     "You." El's voice is never breathy. He gets more terse, amazingly, when he's aroused. But he has shut his eyes, and the shadow is gone.

     "That's good." He shifts, getting more comfortable, making room for his own dick, which he rests against El's hip. He bites El's collarbone and finds one taut nipple, plucking at it gently the way he knows El loves. When El shudders violently, Kaidan bends to suckle the other. Beautiful, the way El's chest heaves beneath his lips. He speaks to this chest, to the heart beating hard within it. "What about now?"

     "Still you." He swallows audibly.

     "Nothing else? No sunlight on your skin?"

     El's eyes flick open in surprise. Then he looks up, past Kaidan, at the clear monomolecular carbonglass ceiling of the skylight. Through it, three suns are visible. One is noticeably smaller and redder than the other two, but they're there.

     "Yeah," he says, blinking. "I can feel that."

     Kaidan smiles and reaches for his cock. Of course he's completely hard by now, and he shudders again while Kaidan strokes him. "This is a solar bed. Absorbs the sunlight and gives it back. Good?"

     "Yeah." Terse again. El's eyes drift shut, and he swallows again. Yeah, it's good. Kaidan moves on top of him, shifting to get between his hips, and taps out the haptic signal to bring up their microshields, so that everything can be good and slippery while they frot together. Eleazar grabs at Kaidan with his free hand, breathing hard, eager now, and his trapped hand twitches against Kaidan's. It's _so_ good.

     From there it's a long, lovely session of torment. Kaidan fucks them together slowly, teasing the tip with his fingers, sometimes diverting from El's neck or ear to suckle a nipple or bite at his sweat-dotted skin. Every now and again he urges El to open his eyes, look up at the suns, notice the warmth of the bed or how good it feels to be touched like this, pleasured like this, loved like this.

     How warm it is, here in this bed, beneath Kaidan, kept on the edge of pleasure by Kaidan.

     "There's no night on this world," Kaidan breathes. He's on the edge himself now, fighting the urge to rut faster, speaking fast between panting and the urge to groan. El is utterly silent in that way he so often gets when he's about to come -- afraid of it, afraid of himself, but trusting Kaidan enough to yield to his own helpless need. His eyes are wide open now, shocked and lost, face tight and vivid with expression: excitement, raw hunger, anxiety. Kaidan kisses him -- deep, because El wants that, sucks at his mouth and bites at his lips in a fever. Yeah. "This bed -- it'll _always_ be warm. What do you feel?"

     "You," El pants. "Kaidan. God, please."

     It is the first time he's begged for more, and the sound of it nearly undoes Kaidan. He groans and fucks harder for a second and then gets a hold of himself, pulling back only enough to murmur against El's lips. Can't come yet. Got a point to make. "You'll never be anything but warm here," he pants. "I don't -- oh, God -- don't want you to be cold, ever again. No matter what. This warmth? It's me. Okay? When you see a sun, a star, that's me. If you're warm, that's me."

     He sees the moment when Eleazar understands what Kaidan has tried to do. Positive associations. El inhales, and -- God, it's beautiful -- his eyes well with tears. Kaidan hasn't seen him cry since the first time they made love. Everyone thinks Eleazar Shepard is so emotionless, but Kaidan has always seen beyond his face.

     Then El hauls Kaidan down with a desperate cry, and there is no more talking until pulsars blaze behind Kaidan's eyes, and he sees supernovas and quasars and probably some uncategorized stellar phenomena besides. By the choked sounds El makes as he shudders, the fireworks are mutual.

     And as Kaidan comes down, twitching, he thinks he hears El whisper, "Okay. Okay. It's you. God, yes. Yes." And he knows that his birthday gift has been received and appreciated.

     2186 was a terrible year to be born, cold and dark and cruel. 2187 bids fair to be worse -- but right now, as Kaidan kisses the tears from El's lashes and soothes away the shivers that now come from abject pleasure, Kaidan is glad. Now a man who hasn't lived long enough to know much of life, knows something better than pain. Now, whether Kaidan is with him or not, all he has to do is look out a window to know that Kaidan loves him. Just look at a star, and feel warm.

     "Happy birthday," Kaidan whispers again, and this time Eleazar smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a snippet, banged out during lunch while I was supposed to be working on something else. Ah, procrastination.


End file.
